[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My time has come.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
marvel comics have peaked
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?