[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
what kind of cook setting is this??
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.