[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?