[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
He-man has a Masters degree
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.