1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”