[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.