[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
This could be us but you eatin’
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Breaking news:
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”