I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.