[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Did…did a minotaur write this
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?