[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
You Might Also Like
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao