[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
You Might Also Like
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people