[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
You Might Also Like
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works