[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
He’s cranky this morning
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens