[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!