[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.