[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids