[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..