[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?