I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“Sheer Arrogance”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.