What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Remember folks 😂
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works