[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left