1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Word!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Who.
Did.
This?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.