1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth