[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I bet
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Facebook Twitter
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach