[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood