2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.