*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
You Might Also Like
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago