[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel