me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!