[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Pigeon open mic night.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.