[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies