2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.