They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
A short story of betrayal:
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless