really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Important
same bro
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send