when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me