ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.