[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Florida be like…
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
This is enough internet for the day.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send