[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You Might Also Like
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
When ur friends with white people
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot