2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*