2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
You Might Also Like
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk