2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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I mean…but I did
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
ok this is my dumbest yet