2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.