2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department