“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
the simulation is moving too fast
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me too 😆
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Sniffing the broccoli
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.