20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.