20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.