Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
The news
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
philosophical skeletons be like
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.