2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
me, after any kind of buffet.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!