2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”