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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”