Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Ghost costume 😂
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog